How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their case on their dashboards?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who has his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with a half brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawn mower and neighbors are upset if you borrow their lawn mower and don't return it.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for direction, an in-tune tenor sax player, and out of tune tenor sax player or Santa Clause?
The out of tune sax player, the other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play a trombone and doesn't.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets his gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None (They have machines that do that now.)

What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

What's the definition of a current quarter tone?
A harpist tuning his unison strings.

Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size. Violinists heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the cellists.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned his tuning peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

A bass player was so bad that even the section noticed.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never seen a Porsche.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

What's the difference between a soprano and a PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end
- it would be a good idea.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

Musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. Is told he is dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist. Receptionist asks why he keeps calling.
"I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three, one, two, three.

"Hey buddy, How late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

What do you call a drummer with out a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do female vocalists and demolition crews have in common?
Both blow the bridge?

What makes up a string quartet?
A good violin player, a bad violin player, someone who wants to be a violin player, and a person who hates violin players.

The Sam Cardon Memorial Comedy Archives

How do you compliment a girl from the Ozarks?
Nice Tooth!

What's the difference between Branson Missouri and Jurassic Park?
One's a theme park with dinosaurs, the other is a movie.